Sometimes OCD just paralyses me.
I get lost in myself.
There is a world around me but it is hazy and ill defined.
I have to sit and think until I have solved what is not right; that which is not and never can be perfect.
Self restraint is impossible. The urge to ritualise is intense. Not to do so means I live with a gut wrenching, chest burning, heart stabbing feeling of uncertainty.
I can not handle uncertainty. The unknown terrifies me. The dark is unbearable.
To be at peace I have to have reassurance. I need to know how things are, to believe that everything is fine. Certainty must be provided. If it is not then my descent to a panic attack is rapid .
I don’t want to panic any more. I want to be normal. I want acceptance. Belief that I am okay. Proof of that belief.
So the loop begins again.