When you have OCD, Sometimes the Tears Just Roll


Last night the tears fell for hours and they just did not stop. To be fair, I did not try to stop them either. I went to bed early, lit a candle, put my headphones on and listened to my most depressing music. I wallowed like a hippo in mud. I exacerbated the selfishness of the act. I encouraged being sad.

I’m not selfish by nature. In fact I think I am the polar opposite because I do not want to focus on me. My public face smiles and encourages, laughs and supports, giggles and tries to inspire those who share my journey. However, inside I am dissolving; eroding my internal organs with sadness.

My physical health is poor at the moment. Every bone and muscle hurts. At times I can barely get out of my chair as the pain can be so intense. It is as though my sadness is seeping into my bone marrow, into my ligaments and cells, twisting itself around every sinew and slowly but surely cementing my joints together.

So last night, even though there had been many positives during the day, in fact maybe because of the contrasts, I cried and I could not stop. I needed  a profound boost of self confidence but I did not know where to look for it. I listened to songs searching for meaning and absorbed the notes like liquid on litmus paper, trying to match my feelings to someone else’s, but I did not find one song to resonate with how I felt and I have many songs.

What I need I can’t have. What I have I don’t need. What is wrong can’t be put right. Today the tears keep falling, but invisibly because I am a mum and I need to be the other me: smiley full of love. So I will embrace that. What else can I do?

The following song was kindly posted on:

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder/OCD

https://www.facebook.com/ocd.ocd

next to the link about my blog.

It was posted by Kris D Marsden, who is a singer/songwriter from Northern Ireland. It is a stunning song and I am honoured to add it to this post. He is a very talented musician. Thanks Kris 😘

http://youtu.be/HhIMsFkopvU

I drew the picture!!

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3 thoughts on “When you have OCD, Sometimes the Tears Just Roll

  1. There will be better days ahead for you. Tears are cathartic and they will have done you some good. I do not pretend to understand your illness as I have not suffered from this debilitating condition but I am glad you recognise that the other side of you that others, like me, know and love is just as real. Give that some thought, please and dwell instead on all the good you have done and all the good you were put on this earth to continue to do. For example, your positive comment about my blog last week gave me a real boost, especially coming from you as you understand what constitutes a piece of good writing. Your encouragement of others has a real impact on the lives of others. At Monk’s Walk you gave me a lot of confidence by believing in me. You did the same for Dawn and Fiona. They were vulnerable new teachers and you helped to launch them into successful careers by your positive and encouraging leadership. Your students there clearly loved you. During these black feelings, please write down at least three things for which you are grateful. Keeping a daily journal may help you to do this. You will find those things in your life that are good and positive as well as the love of those people around you. Writing these things down will help you to place them at the forefront of your mind.

    I am praying that you will feel better soon. Love

    Catherine

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m lucky to have found these very kind and beautiful words.i am honoured to have written something that someone, like minded, can identify with. Thank you. This is the reason I recorded it in the first place. Kris.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Kris, I hoped you would find it, glad you replied. Your song is beautiful and and when I heard it I thought you had recorded my thoughts. OCD is a twisted illness, impossible to understand unless you have it. To write a song so spot on made a real difference to me. I’ll tell you why but not on here! Find me on Twitter @caughtinaloop I’ll DM you back! You really are talented. I have heard some of your other songs as well. I play too, but not like you! Are you friends with Laura from OCD Northern Ireland?

      Like

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