Paralysis from OCD

Sometimes OCD just paralyses me.

I get lost in myself.

There is a world around me but it is hazy and ill defined.

I have to sit and think until I have solved what is not right; that which is not and never can be perfect.

Self restraint is impossible. The urge to ritualise is intense. Not to do so means I live with a gut wrenching, chest burning, heart stabbing feeling of uncertainty.

I can not handle uncertainty. The unknown terrifies me. The dark is unbearable.

To be at peace I have to have reassurance. I need to know how things are, to believe that everything is fine. Certainty must be provided. If it is not then my descent to a panic attack is rapid .

I don’t want to panic any more. I want to be normal. I want acceptance. Belief that I am okay. Proof of that belief.


So the loop begins again.


2 thoughts on “Paralysis from OCD

  1. I don’t know if you are willing to take medication. However, I suffer from pretty bad obsessions which carry into compulsions. My doctor prescribed me seroquel. It’s not necessarily for ocd, actually bipolar disorder. However, besides helping with my mood swings, I’ve realized that it also gave me a sort of calm to my ocd. The thoughts are not as controlling. I still hear them, but they aren’t as compelling. Of course I’m not rid of it. Far from it. But I’ve been handling things much easier.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My heart goes out to you,when I read this and thank you for helping me understand so much more about OCD.I will always remember you with great fondness. You were always very kind towards me at a time when I was lacking confidence in myself. I grew in confidence so much from working under your leadership and went on to fulfil my potential in teaching at Richard Hale, rising to the rank of AST which was marvellous. We then went to Brazil where I was able to teach in the slums which was a magnificent privilege. I never looked back after leaving teaching either and am so glad to be helping other people but in a different way through styling them to look fantastic and coaching them to achieve their goals faster than working alone. If I can ever help you in any way, please don’t hesitate to ask.


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